A Perplexed Tirade

tirade = a long angry speech or denunciation
perplexed = puzzled or bewildered

I'm not angry but this particular notion is like waves crashing against the barrage in my brain, constructed to keep heavy-duty thoughts out during my winddown time before bed. I've thought about this several times, but never had the time or energy to think it through.

Why do we try so hard to escape being 'arrowed' in doing something? Why are we so afraid to step up and take up a new task or responsibility, or even *gasp, it's the unimaginable* volunteer ourselves?

I would have to admit that I have, more often than not, chosen to look down and away when volunteers were asked for or a responsibility or role is offered. There is a lot of self-consciousness and fear involved in that. "Oh, I don't want people to think that I'm such an eager-beaver/bootlicker wanting to get in my superior's good books", "I've never done this before/This is way out of my league, I'd better not try in case I fail/make a fool of myself."

It's frustrating, also, to be on the other side; when you are the one leading. You'd feel alone and that your compatriots are unwilling to support you. It's a terrible feeling, that.

I want to learn to decide. I want to learn to be less afraid of failing. I want to encourage others to try, challenge themselves. I want to be there for them when they fail to say that it's all right, you have learnt something from this.

I have to remind myself that I won't get it right the first time. But I need to keep having faith; that rather than having me wish the challenges away, God would rather shape me into someone He intended me to be.